Peace & Hope

I am once again overwhelmed by the abundance of love, support, prayers, and words of encouragement we've received the past few days. Travis and I are so grateful that we have involved ourselves with so many great people and will never be able to express our gratitude for all your kindness and love.

The past few days have been just awful for me. The news of my unsuccessful pregnancy completely tore my heart into pieces yet again. I consider myself a strong woman and can handle mostly anything. However, I truly thought this long road was over and we were finally going to start our family. But the news of another miscarriage, a rather expensive miscarriage I might add, shattered me and my spirit yet again. For those of you who have never experienced a miscarriage, I would equate it to a death. It's is just like grieving the death of someone you know and love. For me, this means being alone and just getting it out like a baby. So, Wednesday evening and all day yesterday was spent grieving my loss the way that I handle a loss. I began to question everything: maybe I ate something I shouldn't have, maybe I picked up something that was too heavy, maybe I shouldn't have taken that warm bath, maybe I slept the wrong way, maybe there is something wrong with my uterus causing me not to have a successful pregnancy...the questions and scenarios filled my head all day long. I also began to question if IVF will work for us after all the money we have spent. It was a total pity part...I won't lie. I spent all day in bed with the occasional break down when my mind would get to wondering again. I talked about it with a few close girlfriends and my family which helped a little. Last night, Travis forced me to talk about what was going through my head and how I felt. I am so thankful to have him to go through this with. He is my rock when I am shattered and knows when I'm really not "fine" and forces me to discuss what I'm feeling. I get frustrated in the moment, but I'm thankful for his strength when I'm weak. There is nobody else I would go through this with.

I woke up today and had so much peace. I know there is no reason on stressing over something that I can't change or control. I will never know what happened and why this pregnancy was unsuccessful. I have to look at the positive. I am thankful that we have 6 more embryos waiting. I am confident that out of those 6 we will have at least one successful pregnancy lead to a healthy baby if not more. I have to take it one day at a time, but I am a strong woman and I will overcome this bump in our long journey. I use to question God of why I have to go through this, but I know that I am going through it for a reason. He would not put me through it if he didn't think I could overcome it. I have gone through so many different emotional stages throughout this journey. I know now that I am going through this in order to help others who face the same struggles. I have met many different women and some close friends that face infertility issues and I am able to be there for them and offer them comfort and advise because of my experience. As frustrated as I have been with this journey, I know it is so that I can reach out and help others during their time of need.

Am I completely over this second failed pregnancy? Not at all. Will I ever get over my second miscarriage? I'm sure I will one day. Right now, I have peace with what has happened and I am taking everyday one step at a time. I am eager to go to the doctor Wednesday. I am ready to get up, dust myself off and try again.

Until next time....

-BLT

Numb

Well....today was my ultrasound. I tossed and turned all night and didn't get much sleep from being so nervous and anxious of what today may hold. Mom, dad, and Tara went with me this morning for my ultrasound and we received my worst nightmare. Dr. Perloe didn't see a baby. He said that it was possibly an unsuccessful pregnancy and I may have possibly already miscarried. He was worried it may even be an eptopic pregnancy (where the baby is growing in my tubes..which is still not a good thing). I was devastated. I was numb. I was speechless and just wanted to be alone for a few hours. The past few weeks I noticed a few of the pregnancy symptoms (the achy breasts, nausea, extreme fatigue) had stopped. I bought some at home pregnancy test hoping it would ease my mind. I told one last week and one this Monday and both were positive, so I thought maybe I was one of the lucky ones who doesn't get sick. My nurse called this afternoon with my blood results and said that Dr. Perloe said it wasn't a tubal pregnancy and my levels had increased since the last time they checked a few weeks ago. They would have liked them to be a little higher though. They told me to stay on my medication for another week and I go back in a week to recheck and do another ultrasound. There is a slim chance that maybe it was too early. I technically would be 7 weeks tomorrow and I know most women don't normally go until they are at lease 8 weeks. Who knows...I guess we will have yet another hopeful  and nerve wrenching week and see what next Wednesday holds for us. Thanks everyone for being there every step of the way for us...it means so much to us!

Until next time....

-BLT

5 Weeks and Counting

On this past Thursday, April 11th I entered into my 5th week of pregnancy. Aside from the tiredness I am feeling great! My afternoons usually involve a short nap if I don't have plans. As of now I am just counting the days till my first ultrasound on April 24th. I will be about 7 weeks and my nurse said we should be able to hear a heartbeat. As I progress I am beginning to wonder if there will be one or two heartbeats. I am only 5 weeks and already have a small bump. I guess we will see in 11 days. I did start spotting again yesterday. I called my nurse freaking out again (they are going to get tried of me calling every time something happens) and she assured me that it was more than likely the medications I am on since it's not a whole lot like a normal monthly cycle. Just to make me feel a little better, I did take a home test this morning and it put a smile on my face that it said pregnant. I'm so use to those things giving me bad news month after month it felt good to finally see it say pregnant! Travis is very excited about the news and wishes he could be here with me throughout the process. Originally we were planning on an European vacation in July during his time off. However, now the company is having us choose the vacation time or him here with the baby/babies are born. We've talked about this prior to him leaving and it was a hard decision for us because we know that the vacation will probably never be in our grasp again. But I got to thinking about it and really want him here with me the last few weeks of pregnancy and during delivery. He will be home the beginning of December and will be home for 45 days, which should also be majority of my maternity leave from school. I am thrilled he will be here for the delivery and I know he will be excited too!

Until next time....

-BLT & little peanut(s)

Praise the Lord!!

I am happy to announce that after my pregnancy test this morning at the doctor's office my blood test showed that WE ARE OFFICIALLY PREGNANT!! Praise the Lord!! I am still in shock and it doesn't seem real. I honestly had prepared for bad news and was a little taken back when she said I was pregnant. As for the bleeding, they are still saying it's normal and are actually putting me on a progesterone oil injection to help control the bleeding. I will be on that injection for about a month along with my vaginal Progesteron twice a day, Estridol, Metformin twice a day, baby Asprin, and my prenatal. I go back on Monday for another pregnancy test to make sure my hormone levels are increasing as they should. Not sure if there is one or two yet. I won't know that till my first ultrasound which won't be for another few weeks. It's still very, very early and I know from experience that ANYTHING can happen, but we are excited to celebrate this moment in our lives and will deal with the future as it happens. I am overwhelmed with all the love, prayers, and support that all of you have given us throughout this journey. I can not express my appreciation enough. I love each and every one of you and your friendship means the world to me.

Until next time....

-BLT & baby/babies

Freaking Out...

Just a warning...this post is a bit more detailed. 

So I've been feeling good and patiently awaiting for Friday to come so the doctor could give me my pregnancy test and tell me it worked. I've been keeping busy at work testing all week and keeping busy at home afterwards. Yesterday I began to have a slight pinkish discharge. In a panic I called my nurse. I explained how there wasn't really any cramping but this pinkish discharge. She advised me that about 90% of their IVF pregnant patients have spotting/bleeding early in the process. She assured me that I shouldn't be too alarmed and to take it easy the rest of the day and that she would see me on Friday for my test. I spent most of the afternoon sitting while I tested my students and then went straight home and crashed on the couch to catch up on my shows. I went to dinner with my mom and sister and on the way home, I felt the surge of blood and knew it couldn't be good. It was too late to call my nurse so I just cried all the way home and went to bed. I called my nurse first thing this morning and explained that I know had heavy bleeding and was concerned it was my period. I got dressed and went to work and received her phone call a few hours later. She again advised me that it could be a list of things and encouraged me to continue my medications and keep my faith and hope. I am still considered pregnant until the blood tests says otherwise. She told me that they have had multiple patients have heavy bleeding due to the medications and other issues. So....to help ease my mind she scheduled me to come in tomorrow morning for my blood test rather than waiting till Friday. I was an emotional wreck, so I got a sub and came home to rest. The bleeding has gotten heavier and clotty at times. I have never been this heavy during my regular cycles. I've been a researching fool since I got home from work and have come up with the following explanations: my period (which I pray it's not), a side effect of my Estradiol medication, a possible hematoma in my cervix due to my vaginal Progesteron I take three times a day, the loss of one of my embryos (remember we put in two), or I'm pregnant with twins (women with twins normally bleed more than those with a single child because the uterus grows and stretches at a faster rate). I'm praying this is being caused by something later in the list. I will keep everyone posted as soon as I know something tomorrow. Please pray with me tonight that this is nothing but a side effect and my precious babies have latched on and are growing perfectly. 

Until next time....

-BLT