I am once again overwhelmed by the abundance of love, support, prayers, and words of encouragement we've received the past few days. Travis and I are so grateful that we have involved ourselves with so many great people and will never be able to express our gratitude for all your kindness and love.
The past few days have been just awful for me. The news of my unsuccessful pregnancy completely tore my heart into pieces yet again. I consider myself a strong woman and can handle mostly anything. However, I truly thought this long road was over and we were finally going to start our family. But the news of another miscarriage, a rather expensive miscarriage I might add, shattered me and my spirit yet again. For those of you who have never experienced a miscarriage, I would equate it to a death. It's is just like grieving the death of someone you know and love. For me, this means being alone and just getting it out like a baby. So, Wednesday evening and all day yesterday was spent grieving my loss the way that I handle a loss. I began to question everything: maybe I ate something I shouldn't have, maybe I picked up something that was too heavy, maybe I shouldn't have taken that warm bath, maybe I slept the wrong way, maybe there is something wrong with my uterus causing me not to have a successful pregnancy...the questions and scenarios filled my head all day long. I also began to question if IVF will work for us after all the money we have spent. It was a total pity part...I won't lie. I spent all day in bed with the occasional break down when my mind would get to wondering again. I talked about it with a few close girlfriends and my family which helped a little. Last night, Travis forced me to talk about what was going through my head and how I felt. I am so thankful to have him to go through this with. He is my rock when I am shattered and knows when I'm really not "fine" and forces me to discuss what I'm feeling. I get frustrated in the moment, but I'm thankful for his strength when I'm weak. There is nobody else I would go through this with.
I woke up today and had so much peace. I know there is no reason on stressing over something that I can't change or control. I will never know what happened and why this pregnancy was unsuccessful. I have to look at the positive. I am thankful that we have 6 more embryos waiting. I am confident that out of those 6 we will have at least one successful pregnancy lead to a healthy baby if not more. I have to take it one day at a time, but I am a strong woman and I will overcome this bump in our long journey. I use to question God of why I have to go through this, but I know that I am going through it for a reason. He would not put me through it if he didn't think I could overcome it. I have gone through so many different emotional stages throughout this journey. I know now that I am going through this in order to help others who face the same struggles. I have met many different women and some close friends that face infertility issues and I am able to be there for them and offer them comfort and advise because of my experience. As frustrated as I have been with this journey, I know it is so that I can reach out and help others during their time of need.
Am I completely over this second failed pregnancy? Not at all. Will I ever get over my second miscarriage? I'm sure I will one day. Right now, I have peace with what has happened and I am taking everyday one step at a time. I am eager to go to the doctor Wednesday. I am ready to get up, dust myself off and try again.
Until next time....
-BLT
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